These past few weeks have been some of my favorite yet hardest. Spring is definitely my most favorite time of year and we've enjoyed seeing all of our flowers and plants bloom to make our yard beautiful again!
I love the warm sunshine and cool nights. It's very relaxing...
So what have we been up to?
Brian and I seem to always be looking for ways to improve our lives. So in April and May we've been working in major areas like our marriage, home, health, and our spiritual well being. All of that been said it's been very emotional but producing great results!
One way of healing that I've been told is helpful is to be vulnerable and open about our struggles. The more I talk about them and process things the more I find I'm healing. I want to share my story and be open about these struggles and I want to remember this and blogging is one of my ways of remembering =)
So about our Marriage...
We had been dealing with a lot of major and serious issues and we both really needed help.
I know God's been more heart broken then glorified and it makes me feel like a failure.
We are both still dealing with issues from childhood that continue to play a role in our struggle for a healthy relationship. But we sought help from our church and have been blessed week after week as our pastor shows us straight from God's word, our calling as Christians and specifically as husband and wife.
I've been so encouraged by God's work in our lives and I know its a long process to change hearts but God is Faithful, Compassionate, Loving, Steadfast, and Forgiving...and He's teaching us to live out those attributes to each other!
Another very painful and complicated issue we've been dealing with is our infertility.
It's very hard for me to admit this because I've never not been in control of my life and God is showing me clearly...that I'M NOT IN CONTROL!
We have started all those lovely invasive tests and the results have been discouraging.
I need to get healthy, I need to get my hormones balanced, I need to be "stress free"...
I've been diagnosed with several problems which all cause infertility.
But I'm physically burned out...literately cause I'm suffering from adrenal fatigue, which makes work and life so physically and emotionally tiring.
My duty to serve and protect have pushed me beyond the stress levels that my body can manage. This ever changing shift schedule and my years I spent on midnights made everything in my body dysfunctional. So many fertility articles talk about stress being a major factor and sleep needed for hormones. And that's something I can't change right now.
I'm obsessing over supplements to restore health and I'm drastically changing my diet to be all natural and taking the holistic approach to purify, cleanse, and restore everything. So I'm doing as much as possible on my end...the rest is up to God!
I'm having major identity issues with figuring out my calling and accepting God's plan for my life. This job that I wanted my entire life is now the reason I can't be a Mother (for now). I don't know where God is calling me and I don't know how long we will have to wait for children. I am waiting on the Lord and trying to figure out what Brian and I can do while we wait with patience and acceptance. And in the mean time I have to honor God in my work and trust in Him to keep me safe...and continue to try and get healthy!
This struggle has brought Brian and I closer together in a sweet and tender way as we grieve and support each other through this sadness. We both have times of depression but normally one of us stays strong to support and encourage the other. So God has already used this burden in a way to help heal our marriage which I'm thankful for.
Another reason for sharing is so that you all can participate in seeing God's faithfulness through this journey to whatever the results may be...
Still my soul be still and do not fear though winds of change may rage tomorrow.
God is at your side, no longer dread the fires of unexpected sorrow.
Wait upon the Lord, and strength will rise, as stars appear when day is dimming
God you are my God and I will trust in you and not be shaken
Lord of Peace renew a steadfast spirit within me
To rest in You alone.
"The Gettys, Still my Soul by Still"
So while we wait on the Lord...we are ever fixing and upgrading our home!
The most recent project was pouring a new concrete patio.
Brian did an excellent job building the frame and leveling out the ground!
We poured the concrete ourselves and it turned out perfect!
So in light of everything God continues to sanctify us to reflect His Glory and teach us reliance in a new and desperate way.
This verse is my daily encouragement in my job and in my life as I slightly deal with PTSD from some of the calls I've had to handle and the infertility I'm facing..."I remember my affliction and my wondering the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great Love we are Not consumed, for His compassion's never fail. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness! I say to myself, the Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for Him" Lamentations 3:19-22